Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize