just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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