Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Randomize
