They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize