I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
