my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
my liver is dry heaving
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
