Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
