Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
