Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
