Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
