I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
