I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
