All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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