i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
