either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
