capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
