I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
