Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
