I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
