direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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