I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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