I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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