I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize