It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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