Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
