he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
