Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
