new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
