Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
