i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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