U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
