Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
