my phone needs a breathalizer
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
