I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
