dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
