I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
