So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
