I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
