i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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