I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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