Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
