i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
