i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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