if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
It's shark week go big or go home
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
