my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
