i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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