WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
