if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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