I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
