I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
