The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Randomize
