Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We were destined to go to rehab together
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
