ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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