I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize