shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
