glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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