It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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