Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
