And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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