My underwear smells like fireworks.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
