I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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