i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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