im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Fuck appropriateness.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
