You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
