Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
